Relationships are complicated; no one said they are not. But here’s a manipulation scheme that you will not find very often, even in a toxic person. Why? It takes a new level of toxicity to try and completely twist one’s mind in such a way that you stain their identity to the point that they don’t know who they are anymore. Or even if who they are is worth being! 

I decided to write about this because no one warned me before it happened to me. I found no books on it, I saw no movies and barely found any song lyric about this “tactic”. My first Google search led me to “Fix You” by Coldplay. And while it is a beautiful song, I couldn’t quite find my experience in it. 

This type of control is so subtle and so profound that it aims to alter the very essence of your being. And it is one of the most difficult to identify and stop because you, the victim of such manipulation, get sucked into it so profoundly, like a poor soul following the Antichrist in the hope of finding their salvation. But the Antichrist is not Jesus. It says and does what Jesus says and does to lure you in, and by the time you realize it, you’re doomed. 

First, they have to convince you that you are broken.

This tactic will come into play a few years into the relationship, usually once the “love bombing” phase is over and they gather enough data about you. All those cute stories from your childhood? All your unmanifested dreams and hopes? Stories about your family’s history, some fun, some tragic? Yes, all of them can and will be used against you as ammunition to convince you how broken you are. 

If your self-esteem is damaged, this step will be very easy for them. The assertion that you are inherently flawed and incapable of healing or improving yourself is a cornerstone in the manipulator’s arsenal. This tactic isn’t just about undermining your self-esteem; it’s about erasing your belief in your ability to grow and change without their intervention. It’s a method of control that positions them as the only ones who can “save” you, making you dependent on their approval and assistance. This dependency is what they crave, as it makes it easier to shape you to their desires, isolating you from any notion of independence or self-sufficiency.

All your memories, including your good ones, will be used to convince you that you have trauma you didn’t know about. And don’t get me wrong, none of us had a perfect childhood. Our parents did the best they could with what they had in terms of resources and information. But we don’t need someone else to take our childhood and narrate it in a traumatic light for us, making us question our scale of values and principles so that they can play the preacher’s role in our lives. That is not help, on the contrary. 

In an intimate relationship, we (should) trust each other enough to share the deepest corners of our hearts. Because more than a physical approach, we seek a cognitive and emotional approach. We talk about our childhood, our past relationships, the dynamic in our family, our career goals and beliefs, not realizing these intimate details about our nature will be weaponized against us. And in most cases, when both partners are healthy and stable, they will not. But when you are dealing with someone who aims to control you and make you idolize them, they will dig deep into the personal experiences that you shared with them to justify their narrative and convince you of it. 

Your personal Messiah 

Enter the Savior Complex. Your manipulators don’t just stop at convincing you of your brokenness; they position themselves as the singular source of your salvation. This messiah-like figure promises to fix all that is “wrong” with you but at a price. The cost is often your autonomy, your voice, and your ability to see yourself clearly without the lens they’ve forced upon you. And, of course, your eternal devotion to them.

They make it sound like they do all this because they refuse to give up on you; they know you can be better, they want to help you be better… they give you the tools to be better and free. What they are really not giving up on is their desire to be the hero in your life, a hero you don’t even need. A hero that will eventually break you into 1000 pieces before trying to glue you back together but not how you were or how you should be, but how they want you to be. And they call that “salvation”. 

This dynamic turns the relationship into a twisted mentorship, where your growth and healing are contingent upon their guidance and “benevolence.” The danger here is profound, as it shifts your locus of control externally, making it difficult to make decisions or take actions without their input or approval.

When you start hearing these things, RUN!:

“You are mental.”

“You were abused.” – when you know, clearly you weren’t.

“You are damaged goods.”

“You need help.”-when you don’t. Nor have you asked for it. 

“You don’t want to change because you don’t want to make things better.”

“Your life is a mess”- when you are perfectly at peace with your life.

“I did the work to be a better person… for you. But you won’t do the same.”

“I did this (cheating, lying, gaslighting) because of you. You are insecure.” 

“You make me do this.” 

Assuming you ignore or contradict these statements, and you try to resist the “help” they so forcefully bring upon your poor “broken” self, you’ll most likely get:

-curses, name-calling, horrible (and I mean horrible words that usually use hurtful events from your past, “You deserved to have that accident,” “You deserve to die, I don’t know why God keeps you alive,” etc.), and finally… violence. 

Who will be to blame for this type of rage? Yes, you! If you had “changed your ways” (to what they wanted you to), none of that would have happened. So, again, now you’re left to blame yourself not only for a trauma that you didn’t even have in your upbringing past but also for the fact that you don’t accept the help that is supposed to fix you. If you love them, this is a dead end: you either give up on yourself and admit you are broken so they can play the hero part and save you, or you let them go.

Now, you really are broken, now you really need help… but now, you are “dead.”

The ultimate tragedy of this manipulation is that it can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. By constantly being told you’re broken, incapable, and dependent, you may begin to internalize these beliefs. Your identity and self-worth become so intertwined with the manipulator’s perspective that the original “you” seems lost or “dead.” This state of being is not about physical demise but about the death of your spirit, autonomy, and belief in your inherent worth. In this scenario, seeking help becomes not just a matter of healing from the relationship but reclaiming the parts of yourself that were suppressed or overwritten.

I remember coming home from a stroke, still recovering, and my ex-husband telling me it was karma, and I basically deserved it. Sure, he wasn’t telling me to my face, even if I think once or twice it slipped; he was tagging me in posts on social media, making comments about others in similar situations, saying, “People get what they deserve.” And while I was trying to regain control over my body, I was also trying to understand what I did do to deserve that. I felt ugly, unimportant, and literally… broken. (Because they only tell you straightforwardly when the signals they try to send are not working. The first phase is trying to make you question your worth by yourself and go to them for a solution. If you don’t do that, you’ll hear straight up that you’re to blame for everything that goes wrong in your life.) 

But who are “they”?

“They” can be anyone who seeks power over another through emotional manipulation. While here I’m focusing on a romantic relationship, similar dynamics can occur in friendships, familial relationships, and even professional environments. The common thread is a person or group that uses emotional manipulation as a means to control and dominate, often preying on those they perceive as vulnerable.

Don’t hold on to people like that, no matter how young or old you are. It is not about care; it never was. It is about control over you and sometimes about their excessive desire to be idolized. Stick to your values and try your best to become a better version of yourself. Seek help as needed but as YOU need it, not as another tells you that you need it. 

Many of us fight some sort of pain, and far from me, the thought that we shouldn’t seek support and help. But when this concept is abused by someone who wants to make us believe we suffer from trauma that never happened or have feelings that we don’t, I firmly believe it is important to stand our ground and trust ourselves more. 

Final thoughts 

Recognizing and escaping from a manipulative relationship is a challenging but essential step toward healing. Understanding that the narrative of being “broken” and needing to be fixed by someone else is a tool of control can be empowering. It’s essential to reconnect with your sense of self, acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses, and understand that growth and healing are personal journeys that don’t require someone else’s permission or intervention.

If you find yourself in such a situation, seeking support from trusted friends, family, or professionals can be invaluable. Remember, true healing and strength come from within, not from the validation or approval of someone who benefits from making you feel less than you are. You are not broken; you are simply on a journey of self-discovery and healing, one that is wholly yours and no one else’s to dictate.